What Do You Do About Kids?

One of the top five questions we get about simple gatherings like house churches is what we do about kids when we gather. It's an understandable concern. Perhaps you've had the thought or faced the struggle yourself.

If you're acquainted with traditional church environments, you've probably taken childcare and children's and youth programming for granted. But these systems for caring for and educating children are personnel-intensive, requiring either paid staff and/or a large volunteer base. They also require ample separate space. These things are harder to manage in smaller spaces like a home with fewer people.

But space and personnel aren't the main factors that would lead us to conclude that we need to rethink how we include children in our church gatherings.

In this post, we'll address the topic from a few angles, including:

• Why we need to rethink what we do about kids

• How to include the kids

• Being OK with kids simply playing some of the time

• The priority of discipleship in the family

• Treating teenagers like adults

Why We Need to Rethink What We Do About Kids

Depending on the church environment you're coming from, when you gather, children might be viewed as an integral part of your gatherings, an annoyance to be kept separate from adults, or something in between. From our experience and from what we have heard and observed from others, most churches tend to focus more on occupying kids from nursery through youth group (even college fellowship). A child can go all the way through high school without experiencing much of the life of an intergenerational church.

There are a couple of impulses here: One is the noble desire to provide children with a biblical education and Christian formation through these programs. Another impulse that often runs parallel is a desire to get the kids out of the grown-up spaces so there is less noise, chaos, and distraction. We've seen signs posted in church sanctuaries stating that children under five are not allowed during worship services and that they should attend the children's programming instead. We've also heard mothers exasperatedly say that Sunday morning is the only time each week they get to have a break from the kids while they're in Sunday School.

But recent statistics challenge these stereotypical approaches to children at church. Many demographic research reports show that many teenagers who grow up in the church eventually leave the church and the faith, often by the time they are young adults (see articles on this topic here, here, and here). There are many factors at play here, but the results of this research indicate that our typical approaches of separating children from much of the church life might not be helping them make their faith their own. There are, of course, exceptions here, but on the whole, the standard approach to children in church appears to be failing them.

Furthermore, we should take exception to views that children are an annoyance, perhaps to be seen but definitely not heard in church. In 1 Corinthians 12:22–26, Paul explains that it is the least honorable parts of the body that we ought to give the greatest honor. One group of people we can apply this principle to is children. Such a positive and countercultural attitude toward children is something Jesus demonstrated when the disciples kept children from coming to him. He said, "Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven" (Matthew 19:14). Perhaps we need to rethink not only what we do with children but also how we view them!

How to Include the Kids

Instead of completely separating the kids when we gather, we can strive to develop creative approaches that invite them to participate with us in simple ways. No, we shouldn't expect a four-year-old to either join in or even enjoy a lengthy adult discussion of a Bible passage. But we can invite them to join us in simple prayers when we pray. We can read a simple Bible story with them in addition to whatever the adults are studying, and we can sing some approachable songs for children in addition to the more complex songs the adults might enjoy.

We can eat meals with the kids and ask them questions about how they are doing, what they are excited about, and how they might be struggling. In other words, we can incorporate them in our one-anothering activity. We can pray over them and allow them to pray for each other, and even for some of the adults.

The mindset here shouldn't be one of production and performance, but of a genuine desire to begin incorporating children into the same activities adults take part in from an early age. With that said, it helps if we keep our expectations low and don't force them to do things they aren't ready to do. If a child isn't prepared to pray, for example, let's not make them.

Being OK with Kids Simply Playing When We Gather

Along the lines of keeping our expectations low, it's OK if children play while adults spend ample time talking. They might play around us, outside, or in another room. That should be fine as long as they are safe and the adults have a pulse on what's happening with them, checking in on occasion, or taking turns keeping an eye on them.

When they are playing near us, more might be happening than we realize. We see a child doodling or playing with Legos, but we don't always know what is happening in their hearts and minds. They are taking in what is going on around them. They pick up on what we say, what we sing, what we read, and what we are doing. They are absorbing that gathering as the people of Jesus is important to the adults around them.

But sometimes they are just playing, and that's OK, too.

The Priority of Discipleship in the Family

The reason it's OK if the kids are merely playing when we gather as a church is that there are 6.5 other days each week when their parents can be discipling them. And frankly, this form of Christian education and formation is much more valuable than anything we can do on a Sunday morning or whenever we gather. Also, if a child's parents are discipling them throughout the week, they will be more likely to participate when we gather as a church.

The thought of discipling our own children can be daunting to some, mainly because many of us have never seen this modeled well, don't feel qualified, or both. The topic of discipleship in the family deserves a dedicated blog post, or even a few! But for now, keep it simple. We should find ways to read the Bible, sing faithful songs, and pray with our children most days. The steady drip of this kind of habit will have a powerful cumulative effect, much greater than what can be done once a week (contrast 365 days with 52 in a year!).

This need to disciple our children is seen throughout the Bible. We see it in the admonition in Deuteronomy 6:6–7: "And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise." And we see it in the epistles, where Paul says, "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4). As a matter of fact, the concepts of discipline and discipleship are deeply connected—both involve training and instruction in the Lord. The best way to discipline our children is to train them in the Lord, which is a daily need.

Treating Teenagers Like Adults

What about teenagers? So far, we have primarily addressed concerns related to younger children, but teenagers are developmentally distinct and require different considerations. Again, this is a topic that could use a dedicated blog post or series of posts, but let's address it briefly.

The leading solution to the dilemma of what to do with adolescents in middle and high school is to treat them like the adults in the room. In other words, we should expect more of them and invite them into the full spectrum of how the adults in our gatherings participate, rather than seeking to entertain them or create completely separate environments where they receive formation separate from the adults.

From our experience, a child of about 12 or older who has been raised in the type of family and church environment described above can typically participate comfortably with adults in discussions of Bible passages. And if they do, the adults model for them how to behave in mature settings.

Unfortunately, an exception to this observation can sometimes be teenagers who have grown accustomed to separate children's and youth programming over the years. They may not feel comfortable or know how to participate with the adults. Sometimes these teenagers can have one of the most challenging transitions from a more traditional, centralized church environment to one that is more relational and intergenerational. We should offer such teenagers patience and guidance.

Final Thoughts

We don't want to paint a romantic picture of house churches, especially when it comes to involving kids. Honestly, this approach can be the more challenging path! It can be much easier to drop the kids off at the nursery, Sunday School, and youth group. The reality is that house churches with children can be noisy gatherings.

But something beautiful is happening here amid the difficulty. Children are being respected as part of the group. They are asked to participate, and can even be invited to lead specific portions of our time. For example, if a young child knows an instrument, they will be honored to play with the adults when singing songs. And we should relax, let them play, and know that if the families are talking with their children about Jesus every day, much more is often happening for them than meets the eye.

If you appreciate this post, we encourage you to share it with someone else who might benefit from it. You can also read similar posts on similar topics here and here. And we encourage you to join one of our upcoming coaching cohorts to learn more about how you can start gathering with others in simple ways.